Chuck Norris Threatened to Roundhouse Kick Me if I Didn't Post About Him One More Time

The Chuck Norris posting seemed to be popular with the kids, so like a craven Hollywood executive, I had to figure out a way to extend the franchise. I tried to get Burger King to design a series of souvenir cups, but I don't know anyone at Burger King. So instead, for the second (and final, I'm sure) Norris post, I asked my very funny friends to come up with their own entries. Despite having jobs, wives, children, and nasty, nasty opium habits, they complied. Being an editor, I've taken the liberty of selecting my favorites. Thanks to Brad, Matt, Jason, Nick and Jon (and myself) for these:

Chuck Norris invented fire by staring into a forest until the trees huddled together, shivering from terror. On a related note, Chuck Norris himself is not flammable.

Chuck Norris once won the Tour de France on a Big Wheel. He completed the entire event in 45 minutes.

Einstein theorized that nothing can go faster than the speed of light, which is constant. However, scientists have recently learned that light can travel even faster ... when it's running from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' favorite food is HoHos. .. Wait, not "HoHos." I meant "hobos."

Jesus Christ died for everyone’s sins except Chuck Norris. God granted Chuck clemency out of fear.

Chuck Norris never learned to read. He didn't have to; letters rearrange themselves to be understood by him.

You never see the dark side of the moon because it's too frightened of Chuck Norris to show its face.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and Chuck Norris--
Chuck Norris split himself in two
and took both.
And that has made all the difference.

The original opening line of "Anna Karenina": "All happy families are alike, in having never had occasion to meet Chuck Norris. Each unhappy family met Chuck Norris in its own way."