Thursday, December 22, 2005

AP Headline and Analysis of the Day

Letterman Lawyers Fight Restraining Order

The headline's not that great, but the story below it is pretty fascinating. Turns out there's a woman in Santa Fe who believes Dave Letterman has "used code words to show he wanted to marry her and train her as his co-host."

The woman claimed that Letterman "forced her to go bankrupt and caused her 'mental cruelty' and 'sleep deprivation' since May 1994."

Astoundingly, a judge granted this woman a temporary restraining order against Letterman, mandating that he stay at least "three yards" away from her. That's nine feet, people. If someone is capable of causing you to lose sleep and go bankrupt from a television studio two thousand miles away, what's nine feet going to accomplish?

Letterman's lawyers claim the woman's request is "without merit," which gets them in just under the wire to run away with 2005's Understatement of the Year.

The woman "wrote that she began sending Letterman 'thoughts of love' after his 'Late Show' began in 1993, and that he responded in code words and gestures, asking her to come East."

That leads me to the real point of this post, which is something I've been meaning to say to Jennifer Aniston: Jen, I get it. You can stop now. It's not going to happen. Yes, I sent you thoughts of love -- strong thoughts of love -- in the early years of Friends, but things have changed. You lost all that weight, for one. You're too bony now, and it doesn't seem healthy. Plus, I can't just uproot my whole life in New York and move to L.A. So please, for both our sakes...truce. OK?



Anonymous Dread Pirate said...

Thank god I finally have a name to put to the pain I have been feeling everytime I watch the Today show. I always felt that when Al Roker stared into the television set and said, "now lets here what going on in your part of the world" that he was looking into my soul and pulling me towards him. I'll be damned. I guess it is true.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looks like someone has finally paved the way for my lawsuit against Richard Simmons.

.... Wait! I meant Evangeline Lilly. Because I never watch Richard Simmons. Watching him thrust his muscular buttocks at the screen, over and over again, as he starts to sparkle with perspiration ... that's not something that I would ever watch on slow motion replay.

--The Comish (sic)

7:02 PM  

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